Tainted Sunshine
by ObsessedKitsune
Summary: Dan is dead. Phil is broken and numb.


Phil sat lifelessly on his bed, his eyes staring without thought at the place on the wall where the picture used to sit. He remembered tearing it down and screaming out his agony. Angry kicks and words of horror.

He remembered his knuckles bleeding and tears falling down his cheeks, but it had been a numb moment. The pain hadn't been felt and only the screams in his head and the suffocating feeling in his chest had registered. Over time the anger had slowly ebbed away only to lead to something far worse. _Grief._

Phil had cried, loud choking sobs that left him feeling like he couldn't breathe. His heart throbbed and the only thing he could think was _Dan Dan Dan._ _You could have saved him_. No, I couldn't. _Liar!. _I was too weak._ Pitiful, you always said you cared and yet you couldn't even save the one you loved. _I wasn't even able to tell him…

The thoughts had grown louder, overwhelming his senses and his sobs dissolved to screams of anguish. His heart pounding close to bursting and his throat hurt. His body hurt. His mind was overwhelmingly fast and his breaths were coming in short gasps. He had collapsed to the ground. His legs too weak to hold him. He clawed at the ground, leaving bloody handprints.

He needed pain. He needed a distraction. He was too weak. He was too slow…

When his voice had become hoarse and he could make no other noise, and his body had grown too weak he remembered the numb feeling. His brain had gone silent and his screams had been shut off abruptly. He could barely feel his heart anymore. He could barely feel himself anymore.

He felt as if he were in a dream, as if he wasn't there. Without Dan there was no need for him to be anyone, no need for him to be Amazingphil. No need for him to be happy, joyful, fun. Dan had been his best friend, his love, and his reason for who he was.

So he walked throughout his days like an emotionless husk. He no longer laughed, no longer smiled and he hadn't updated his Twitter since the death. He detested them now. He hated the fans, he hated all those who said things like "I love you and Dan!" "if they were ever to die I would literally cry." He hated them! Who were they to say they cared! Who were they to say they loved them! They don't understand! They will never understand how Dan's death affects those who actually care! Those who _knew_ why he was dead.

They didn't have to deal with pain. They didn't have to watch Dan's lifeless body being dropped into the coffin. They didn't have to kiss the blue lips out of pure desperation, wishing Dan would jump up and smile, using his ironic "YOLO" and nearly dying inside as they realize he was never coming back.

They didn't have to feel the silence in the house. They didn't look up and scream Dan as loud as loud as they could because they wanted Dan to look at something funny. They didn't feel the hope shriveling and curling into a knot in their stomach. They didn't have to feel anything! They weren't forced to love Dan! They would never actually love Dan and Phil _hated_ them for it.

Which was why he refused to speak to them. He ignored the comments of "I miss you…" because he knew they didn't actually. He ignored them when they came up to him on the streets. Remembering how Dan would always stand at his side and laugh.

He spent his days in his room, only leaving when forced out by his family. He snuck into Dan's room and ran his hands over the piano, imagining Dan's scolding voice as he got the notes wrong. He bought Maltesers and ate them in Dan's room. Hearing Dan's voice screaming over dramatically, but looking and finding nothing.

He even played "Toxic" and waited for Dan's singing and telling him to do the same. Each day he became more desperate. He would sing all the songs they used to sing, waiting for Dan to sing along. He would cuss, waiting for Dan to laugh and make it seem more significant than it actually was. He drew on cat whiskers and saw Dan's face in the mirror. His heart stuttering painfully, he looked over and saw the wall.

He screamed, he sobbed and he pounded at the wall. He pushed his blankets to his feet, waiting for Dan to crawl in beside him and pull the blankets up as he used to when his insomnia kicked in. He stayed up all hours of the night and waited for the pacing.

After a month of this he began to imagine the things. He would get up in the morning and see Dan waving at him and scolding him for sleeping so long. That Dan would fade. He would sit at the couch and anime watching Dan would be there. Crying at all the sad moments and laughing hysterically at the funny bits.

Sleeping Dan, Insomnia Dan, Angry Dan, Sad Dan, Existential Crisis Dan laying face down on the ground. They all came to him. He laughed and smiled with them. Comforted them and even talked to them. He stopped talking to people, preferring instead to talk to Dan. _Dan._ _Dan. Dan._

One day he woke up and walked to the kitchen a soft smile on his lips. He looked up and Dan wasn't there. His whole world screeching to a halt he ran. He looked. He screamed out his name. _He had just gotten Dan back! He couldn't be gone again_. Feeling his heart beat accelerate he burst through the door of Dan's bedroom and gasped in horror. His eyes widening. The gore was back. The walls were stained with red and a single sheet of paper lay on the floor. His breaths fast he reached for the paper and with shaking hands unfolded it. The only words that lay on the paper were:

**I'm sorry...I can't stay.**

Tears streamed down his face and he screamed. His fantasy was shattered and he could feel his soul breaking. He could feel his soul dying and he could feel his heart beat slowing.

Running a hand through his hair he grabbed at the hair and pulled. Pain erupted in his head and loud wails broke from his throat. Without Dan. Dan was never coming back. Dan was gone forever.

**The After Effect**

A black haired man once named the happiest ray of sunshine was seated in a room. His hands were bound and he was laughing.

_I was your sunshine_

_Your only sunshine_

_I made you happy_

_Forever more_

_Now that you left me _

_I am tainted_

_You left the sunshine_

_To fade away_


End file.
